Communication & Conflict

Lesson 5 opens · Proverbs 18:2 and Gary Chapman

The lesson on communication opens with two lines set side by side: a proverb about the person who would rather talk than understand, and a marriage writer's picture of a conversation where nobody has to lose.

“A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.” (Proverbs 18:2)

“When we listen, understand, and respect each other's ideas, we can then find a solution in which both of us are winners.”

Gary Chapman, Happily Ever After

Two dialects in one home · James 1:19

Every couple starts out speaking different languages, even when they share the same one. The workbook's examples: the differences between how men and women talk; one family that argued out in the open and another that never spoke about feelings; a culture where looking someone in the eye is a challenge and another where it shows respect. The words each of you reaches for, and what your face and posture say, leave plenty of room to be misread.

That is why Scripture tells us to handle our words with care:

“…Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” (James 1:19)

The workbook calls poor communication one of the biggest barriers to intimacy in marriage, and good communication a doorway to truly knowing your spouse and becoming one.

The key principle · mutual understanding

The lesson's boxed principle:

“Communicate with your spouse with the goal of mutual understanding.”

The workbook is honest that this is hard. Aiming to understand one another takes practice and patience, but it pays off: when you understand each other and answer respectfully, peace and closeness grow. The first step is to notice the destructive habits you already have and begin trading them for constructive ones.

Four destructive patterns · rank your own

Everyone brings destructive habits into conversation. Our natural reflex is to deny our faults, push the blame elsewhere, defend ourselves, and try to win. The workbook describes four common patterns, adapted from A Lasting Promise by Scott Stanley, Daniel Trathen, Savanna McCain, and Milt Bryan:

1. Withdraw and avoid
2. Escalate
3. Negatively interpret
4. Invalidate

As you go through them, rank the four from 1 for the one you fall into most often to 4 for the one you do least, and think of one real example of each from your own marriage.

Pattern · Withdraw and avoid

Withdrawing means pulling yourself out of an important conversation. Sometimes it's obvious, like walking out in the middle of a discussion; sometimes it's quiet, like shutting down inside while your body stays in the room. Avoiding means never raising the issue at all, or dodging hard talks altogether. The workbook's phrase for it: “faking peace, rather than making peace.”

A better way: Remember that a healthy relationship is something you have to fight for. A problem you ignore doesn't go away; it often gets worse. Face the things that are putting distance between you. And if your spouse is the one who tends to pull away, ask: “Are there things that I do in our talks that feel unsafe to you?”

Pattern · Escalate

Escalating means turning up the intensity, often to take control or make the other person back down. It can be loud, like raising your voice or talking over each other. It can also be sly: sarcasm, name-calling, veiled threats, or dragging up old failures. At its worst, the workbook notes, it can become physical.

A better way: Call a time-out when you sense things slipping or feel your temper rising, and agree together on how long the break will last. Stepping away keeps you from doing more damage and gives you time to settle, so you can come back ready to listen and talk the issue through calmly.

Pattern · Negatively interpret

Negative interpretation is reading hostility into words, expressions, or situations that weren't meant that way. The workbook's examples: a simple question about whether the dishes got washed, heard as a charge that you left the kitchen a mess; or a spouse's furrowed brow, which was really just confusion, taken as anger or disapproval.

A better way: This habit often grows out of insecurity, or out of relationships where cutting remarks were hidden inside ordinary words. Push back against it by choosing to believe the best about your spouse. Assume good intentions, and when something sounds accusing, threatening, dismissive, or hurtful, ask a question to clarify before you react.

Pattern · Invalidate

Invalidating means brushing aside, arguing with, or belittling your spouse's thoughts, feelings, or character without first trying to understand where they come from. The workbook lists phrases such as: “I'm sorry you feel that way.” “It could be worse!” “That's ridiculous.” “How can you even think like that?”

A better way: Remember what the conversation is for. The goal is to understand, not to win, be right, or defend yourself. Treat your spouse with respect, acknowledge what he or she thinks and feels, and ask why your spouse sees it that way. You don't have to agree, but you do need to value your spouse's perspective and work to understand it.

Recognition, then a new habit

The workbook offers some encouragement here: “Recognition is half the battle.” If your patterns discourage you, remember that once you can name a problem, you'll catch it sooner next time and can choose a healthier response on purpose. Leaving old habits behind is hard, but it is possible with God's strength.

Then the lesson turns from what to stop to what to start. Turning away from destructive patterns matters, but you also need healthy ones to take their place. The aim is still mutual understanding, and understanding your spouse starts with learning to listen well.

The Speaker-Listener Technique

The workbook recommends a well-tested practice for active listening, a way of living out the call in James 1:19 to be “quick to hear.” Spouses take turns: one speaks while the other listens and then paraphrases what was said. Stay with the first speaker until he or she feels understood, and only then switch.

For the speaker:

• Speak for yourself only: your own feelings and how you see the facts.
• Keep it brief. Short phrases help.
• Pause often so your spouse can paraphrase.

Listening well · and sharing the floor

For the listener:

• Listen to understand. Don't interrupt, jump in, argue, or check out.
• Stay with what your spouse is saying without getting defensive, and don't draft your reply while your spouse is still talking.
• Show you understood by putting what you heard in your own words and naming your spouse's feelings with empathy. You might start with, “What I hear you saying is…”

The workbook defines empathy from the Oxford Dictionary: “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.”

For both: The speaker has the floor, even while the listener is paraphrasing, and the listener waits for a turn. Then trade places. Expect it to feel stiff and mechanical at first; it gets more natural with practice.

Why it matters to God · Romans 12:14-18

How you talk to each other shapes the whole marriage. The workbook stresses that good communication isn't just a toolkit for a better relationship; it's a way of honoring God. When you listen to understand and answer peaceably, putting your spouse's thoughts and feelings into words, you treat your spouse with dignity and worth, and you honor both God and the person he made.

“Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty… Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” (Romans 12:14-18)

Understanding, not always agreement · four proverbs

Good communication won't mean you always end up agreeing, and it doesn't mean you're stuck when you don't; later lessons cover working through conflict biblically. What it does mean is giving your best effort to live with your spouse in an understanding way, building the trust you need to move forward together in peace. The workbook then lists four helpful proverbs:

• “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” (Proverbs 18:13)
• “A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.” (Proverbs 29:11)
• “The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.” (Proverbs 15:28)
• “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)

The truth about marriage · Lesson 5

Lie: “Your spouse should always ‘get you.’”

Truth: Understanding each other is work that never finishes. Expecting communication to be easy, or even unnecessary, just because you love each other isn't realistic. You are two different people from different backgrounds, often with different priorities and interests. You each see and move through the world your own way, and you both keep changing through new seasons of life. The couples who know each other most deeply keep working at it: they value their differences, ask for each other's input, say what they want with care, put the other's needs first, and try to understand and respect each other even when they disagree, so they can build trust and keep moving forward together.

For tonight's discussion · Lesson 5 questions

• Ranking exercise: Rank the four destructive patterns from 1 for most often to 4 for least often, and give a personal example of each.
• Q1: Which pattern did you rank number 1? Why do you think it's the one you fall into most?
• Q2: What do you do when you talk that might set off one of your spouse's destructive patterns? If you're not sure, ask your spouse.
• Q3: Take a recent disagreement and replay it using the Speaker-Listener Technique. Write down anything you learned.

For tonight's discussion · Lesson 5 action items and prayer

1. Before group, talk through your answers with your spouse.
2. This week, when you catch yourself in one of your destructive patterns, stop and communicate better right then.
3. Memorize a verse from this lesson that will help you communicate with your spouse with the goal of understanding.

Prayer of the week: “God, give me ears to hear, a heart to understand, and kind words to communicate well with my spouse.”

More resources for this lesson: reengage.org/communication

Lesson 6 opens · John 16:33 and Ken Sande

The lesson on conflict opens with a promise from Jesus and a line from a Christian writer on peacemaking.

“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

“There are three dimensions to the peace that God offers to us through Christ: peace with God, peace with one another, and peace within ourselves.”

Ken Sande, The Peacemaker

What marriage brings to the surface · 1 Corinthians 7:28

God wants your marriage to reflect who he is, and when you and your spouse grow in Christ together, you show a clearer picture of his character. But marriage also exposes the places where sin and brokenness still have more say than God does. Paul was blunt about it:

“…those who marry will have worldly troubles…” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

God wants to bring those places into line with himself. Sometimes he shows them to you quietly; sometimes he uses conflict. The good news is that God wants you to know Christ's love in your marriage, and whatever the trouble, peace is possible with Jesus, as John 16:33 promises.

The key principle · conflict as opportunity

If you're willing, God can use conflict to grow you in Christ and teach you to love the way Jesus loves. Divides between you can be bridged and wounds can heal. Just as Christ keeps pursuing peace with you when something comes between you and him, he calls you to pursue peace with your spouse.

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.” (Matthew 5:9)

So the lesson's boxed principle, for growing closer to God and to each other:

“Identify conflict as an opportunity to glorify God and deepen oneness in your marriage.”

Conflict is inevitable · Proverbs 17:14

Every marriage moves through cycles of harmony, friction, and repair. Not all conflict comes from sin; different perspectives, priorities, and communication styles can cause it too. So when an argument starts, or you walk away from a talk frustrated, pause before you answer and check whether you've simply misunderstood each other.

“The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so quit before the quarrel breaks out.” (Proverbs 17:14)

Being quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger isn't easy, but the tools from Lesson 5 help. Working to understand your spouse can head off bigger fights and even build unity.

Let small things go · address what matters

Sometimes the healthy choice is to extend grace and let a small offense pass without saying anything. Pointing out every flaw and failure in your spouse doesn't help anyone. But the workbook names the kinds of offenses that do need to be addressed: when an offense dishonors God, when it seriously hurts the relationship, or when it harms your spouse or other people.

Recognize your part

In most conflicts both spouses contribute, and seeing your own part is hard. Our sinful nature wants to shift blame, defend what we did, and build a case against the other person. But if you only deal with your spouse's sins and never your own, the barriers to oneness stay up. So it's wise to examine yourself first, before trying to resolve things together.

Honesty with yourself and with God is essential, because before God there are no excuses for sin. The workbook puts it plainly: “You are 100% responsible for your part of a conflict, no matter how small your part.” Deal with your part before pointing out your spouse's; you'll see the conflict more clearly and approach it in a healthier way.

A footnote adds that abuse is never your fault, and that God can help you respond in a healthy way. The workbook's Appendix A defines abuse and gives more information.

Finding the log · Matthew 7:3-5

“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.” (Matthew 7:3-5)

The workbook suggests one simple way to find your part: pray for insight, then ask yourself, “Would Christ have acted, said, or thought exactly as I did in this conflict?”

Confess your sins to God · Proverbs 28:13

After an honest look at yourself, and before you go back to your spouse, confess to God whatever sin or harm you caused. In the Bible, to confess is to agree with God about sin; a real confession owns both the truth about the sin and the truth about God. Your spouse may not even know, but God does, so be honest with yourself and with him. Thank him for the forgiveness offered through Christ, then ask for his help making peace with your spouse, and trust him with how it turns out.

“Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.” (Proverbs 28:13)

The margin gives a sample prayer: a wife admits to God that she has hurt her husband with a critical spirit and critical words instead of the kindness God commands, thanks him for forgiveness through Christ, and asks for help to answer her husband truthfully, with grace and kindness, from now on.

Prepare to deal with your part · Romans 12:18

Being a peacemaker means being willing to do your part to make peace with your spouse.

“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” (Romans 12:18)

Even if your spouse isn't ready, you can get ready to handle your side, without excusing your sin and without expecting anything from your spouse. The workbook names four key parts of dealing with your sins:

• Humbly admit your sins. Sorrow, honesty, and specifics bring clarity and show you want to reconcile.
• Ask forgiveness for specific sins. Make it a vulnerable request: “Will you forgive me?” That gives your spouse room to let go of the hurt. A statement like, “I need your forgiveness,” or a demand like, “Forgive me,” does not.
• Take real steps of repentance. Serious changes show you don't want to repeat the same harmful patterns.
• Repair the damage. Look for other healthy ways to help heal what your sin damaged and to rebuild trust.

Draw the circle around yourself

When God shows you your sin, even if it's only a small share of the conflict, you can start preparing for peace before you ever sit down with your spouse. Thinking through those four parts ahead of time is one way, in the workbook's words, to “draw the circle around yourself” and “take the log out of your own eye.”

As you do, you may also see more clearly how your spouse has hurt you, and how sin is damaging your marriage and your relationship with God. Peacemaking is a process, and later lessons take up forgiveness and working through conflict together. For now the assignment is simple: see conflict as a chance to grow with your spouse and with God, agree with God about your own sin, and take the log out of your own eye first.

The truth about marriage · Lesson 6

Lie: “My marriage shouldn't be this hard.”

Truth: When two sinners marry, difficulty is guaranteed. Every marriage struggles, however perfect it looks from the outside, and conflict doesn't mean you made a mistake or should give up. The workbook points to Ephesians 4:1-3, which calls us to:

“…walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” (Ephesians 4:1-3)

No one drifts into a great marriage. Oneness takes effort, and couples with great marriages got there by working hard for unity through the openings their conflicts gave them.

For tonight's discussion · Lesson 6 questions

• Q1: What subjects, circumstances, or settings tend to lead to conflict in your marriage?
• Q2: Growing up, how did your family resolve conflict? What would you like to carry into your marriage, and what would you rather avoid?
• Q3: Recall a conflict with your spouse; if you can, agree together to look at the same one. Ask God for insight, then ask whether Christ would have acted, spoken, or thought exactly as you did. Write down where you weren't Christlike. Appendix C helps with studying your part and what drove your responses.
• Q4: Prepare to deal with your part of that conflict. How would you humbly admit your sins, ask forgiveness, take steps of repentance, and help repair the damage? Write what you might say and do, focusing only on your part.
• Q5: What was hard for you about question 4, and why?

For tonight's discussion · Lesson 6 action items and prayer

1. Before group, talk through your answers with your spouse.
2. Without blaming your spouse or excusing your sin, share one “log in your own eye” that you found in question 3.
3. After your spouse shares, write down what you felt as he or she told you about his or her sin, and why. Mixed feelings are normal; later lessons cover forgiveness and working through unresolved conflict.

Prayer of the week: “God, give me courage to see conflict as an opportunity to grow and humility to see my own sin.”

More resources for this lesson: reengage.org/conflict